Well, my Atenolol has yet to come in the mail, but the withdrawal effects have been really mild compared with what I was warned about by my doctor and pharmacist. I experienced some heart irregularities a few times, but that has subsided. Overall, I've been much warmer than I was on the Atenolol, can't get to sleep as easily, and I startle very easily. All of these had been pre-Atenolol phenomena with me but I didn't really appreciate it until now. Hopefully the drugs will get here soon.

Even though I have an appointment with my internist in September, I'm thinking of setting up an appointment sometime in July to discuss getting me off the Paxil. By September school, band and the internship will be in full swing and I know from experience that's definitely NOT the time to get me going through withdrawal. I ran out of Paxil once during finals week my freshman year and barely slept for 4 days. I even took a Tylenol PM in desperation one night all it did was make me feel normal as opposed to wound.

I've bought a bicycle. I normally hate cardio exercise, but bike riding is an exception. It's incredibly freeing and it's great to have some independence with my mobility as opposed to being reliant on public transit. I'm taking it easy for now and only doing short rides in flattish areas and not trying yet to scale any of Pittsburgh's epic hills

Running out of drugs

I ran out of Atenolol AGAIN... with the camping and things being stolen it was the farthest thing from the forefront of my mind and when I finally realized I needed some more it was too late to get it in time. So I've been out for a couple of days and today it finally hit me. I woke up way too hazy to function so I called off of work (plus it was raining and I walk roughly a mile there) and went back to bed until 4 and laid in bed on and off until 6 because anytime I sat up for longer than I minute I got extremely nauseous. Not fun.

Atenolol's back!

I got my Atenolol in the mail yesterday I took my first redose today. This morning I woke up weak and knowing it was going to be a bad POTS day. I was on the verge of skipping class until I realized that today was proofing day here at work (I make the events calendar for a faculty and staff newspaper) and the extra 3 hours of sleep at that point would probably have just made things worse, so to class I went. I was using the cane from the get go today. I could feel the Atenolol kick in because around 10:30 I perked up a little more and my stomach started hurting. Still hurts. And I'm STILL full from a giant late dinner I had last night.

One interesting thing about being off the Atenolol is that at times I could actually taste the adrenaline in my mouth. Yeah, it really needed to be suppressed. I feel like I have slightly more energy now, but would love a nap later on today.

Well, my Atenolol STILL hasn't come in the mail, which upsets me, but thankfully I've felt no withdrawal symptoms from going off of it. Just the POTS coming back more or less. I've been having to use the cane somewhat the past week or so. My vision blurs a little easier and I'm a lot more tired. You'd think an adrenal suppressant would make me tired, but nope, just the opposite. Too much adrenaline is tiring me out and I'm back in the routine of an afternoon nap (aka, me lying down for 6 hours). Oh, life.

Some of my stomach difficulty has gone away, but a lot is still there. I'm off the Glyset which has made little impact on my life except that I don't bloat as easily. I'm still having some heartburn, though.

I seem to have escaped whatever sickness is going around. Knock on wood, I hope I can continue to.

Stomach stuff and medical sexism

I'm officially out of Atenolol. Although this sucks in that now I can hardly leave the house without a cane (and let me tell you how much fun canes can be on freezing rain coated sidewalks) and I occasionally have the heart pounds, I think I've solved the problem of my stomach pain. It was the Atenolol.

How do I know? Because I haven't taken it in two days and I haven't had stomach pain in two days. The days I took half the pill I had about half as much stomach pain.

I'm still going off the Glyset. It's $65 down the drain every 3 months that doesn't really do anything for me (the last time I tried to go off of it, I went cold turkey and ended up feeling like crap. This time I'm going halfsies and I feel fine). We'll see how I feel once I'm completely off of it.

Today I was bored and watching TV when I saw the Golden Girls was so, so I flipped to it. In this episode, Dorothy is struggling with a mystery illness, especially when her first doctor dismisses it as in her head and tells her to see a psychiatrist. How many of us have heard that one before? As the episode progresses, she gets a second opinion and lands the diagnosis of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. She's of course, incredibly relieved to have a name attached to it (as most of us are... nothing worse than knowing something's wrong and no one believing you) and goes out to a fancy restaurant with her roommates to celebrate. As they're toasting she spots the doctor who initially told her to go see a psychiatrist. Dorothy summons the courage to go over to his table and say that she actually had a diagnosis now and the he was wrong and that if had just listened to her and put some humanity back into his profession then it could've saved her a lot of heartache. She also mentions that if she were a man, then her problems might've been taken more seriously.

Now, who afflicted with a dysautonomia hasn't been through that song and dance before? What's striking to me is that this episode aired in 1989. Almost 20 years later the medical profession is struggling with the same crap: telling patients (mostly women) that it's all in their head and to go see a psychiatrist and to stop bugging them with their problems. Furthermore, many illnesses which have a majority of women as patients get the "psychological origin" diagnosis than the illnesses that mostly afflict men.

I just love how far we've come as a society.

My stomach pain nearly everytime I eat these days has gotten out of hand. I'm cutting the Glyset back because I think it's the cause of my GI problems and I don't really need to be on it. Hopefully this will work. The pain has gotten to the point where food disgusts me. I'm dreading eating. Not fun. So far, cutting back on the Glyset seems to be helping.

I also ran low on Atenolol before realizing I needed to mail the prescription in to get it refilled. Oops. I cut the pills in half to have at least SOME to get me through tomorrow. I hope my pills will come in the mail by then. If not... then this will be fun. In the mean time withdrawing from Atenolol is like having a shot of adrenaline hit you all at once (though not as bad as Paxil withdrawal) and my POTS symptoms have been worse the past couple of days. I've been back on the cane. The looks you get when you're my age (20) walking around with a cane are pretty priceless. Especially when it's an old person who looks like they're thinking to themselves "well, it could be worse."

Heartburn?

I might be running out of Atenolol soon... I've been too lazy to send my prescription in to Caremark and when I realized that I had only 9 pills left, it was time to get on it. Hopefully I'll get it before I run out *crosses fingers.*

I'm not sure how well it's working. Overall it's alright, but I'm still cold all the time with a waxing and waning appetite (today I've been eating like 3 pregnant women). Also, I've noticed that I'm more prone to heartburn when I drink alcohol... and heartburn in general.

All things considered, the Atenolol is working pretty well. The crazy side effects have subsided except for the dreams, but I'm used to that, and the being slightly chilly all the time. My appetite has managed to find a balance between hunger and not, which is good (although it tends on the "not" side). So yeah, I'm adjusting pretty well.

However, I still have POTS and that means I don't have as much energy to work with as everyone else. This semester I think I bit off WAY more than I can chew (16 hours of classes two of which are cross listed as graduate level, concert band, pep band, 10 hours of work per week and volunteering for a presidential campaign). That's a pretty heavy load for the normal ones among us but for someone with POTS it's pretty damn ridiculous. So I think I'm going to have significantly reduce or eliminate my involvement with the pep band. It's not like I'll be able to go on any of the trips this year what with classes being as crazy as they are (I'm not kidding when I say that my spring break will be spent working). I would reduce my volunteer involvement except that it's mandatory volunteering for one of my classes and I have to get 45 hours in by the end of the semester. Concert band is my stress release and quitting work isn't something I'm prepared to think about.

Oooh, your maroon stockings are so pretty!

Uh, thanks, but its actually the massive amount of blood hanging out in my legs.

Yeah, it seems that since I've quit the Florinef (or started the Atenolol) that I've developed one of those POTS symptoms that I previously hadn't had: molted legs from blood poolage. I've had blood pooling before, but never visibly except for in my feet. Now its appearing in my legs. It's pretty subtle, they don't look anything like this.

In other medical news, it's now been over a week since I started the Atenolol. I think I still need another week to really determine just how good this treatment is for me. So far I think it's doing a good job, but that's not to say this experience has been without side effects and other occurances.

Coldness I'm cold all the time now. These days I'm rarely seen without a light fleece jacket except for when I'm just coming in from having walked a mile or so. It also doesn't help that Pittsburgh is chilly in the winter and my bedroom window seems to be a little drafty. My hands and feet are also cold all the time as well, even more so than the originally were.

Bizarre Dreams Being on a Paxil/Florinef and others cocktail for a long time, I'm used to having odd dreams, but the past few mights have been really taking the cake. In one dream I had three seizures back to back (note: I do in fact have a seizure disorder completely unrelated to POTS and for about the past year the condition has been inactive). That's my idea of a nightmare right there. I also had a dream about an old flame who, in a nutshell, led me on without realizing it himself for a while and then when he did tried to let me down as gently as possible but ended up leaving the situation very open ended and ambiguous, thus confusing the hell out of me and put me through an emotional hell for a while (didn't help that I was a really stupid freshman at the time). So having him insert himself in ANY dream of mine disturbed me profoundly.

Waxing and Waning of Appetite When I was first put on the Atenolol I had the appetite of 3 pregnant women. The past few days however, that's turned into the appetite of a chemotherapy patient. I've been eating very meager portions of meals but not feeling like I'm missing out on anything. However, this brings me to my next complaint...

Stomach Troubles Like I said, I haven't been eating very much, but when I do sometimes it's accompanied by nausea or bloating and gas. I'm used to mild bloating and gas, but it's been even moreso lately. The random nausea is new too. It could be that something had gone bad in the salad I had last night. However, Pepto killed the nausea and I felt fine.

However there have been a lot of good things. My heart rate and blood pressure have both dropped. I'm not as tired all the time as I used to be (although I am taking a nap after this... because I can :) ). So far the good is outweighing the bad, but this is a drug that takes a few weeks to level out in your system, so we'll see how it goes.

Well, the Atenolol seems to be working. My POTS symptoms have been dramatically reduced, I have more energy and concentration than I've had in years. Today I was even brave enough to venture out of the house all day WITHOUT my compression tights. And you know what? I was fine.

There are three problems though. None are cause for great concern, but they're definitely strange. I've been more sensitive to cold lately, I've been peeing like a racehorse, and I've never been this hungry in my life. The cold thing and the peeing thing are more just annoying, but the being really hungry thing is kind of concerning. I'm not sure if I can attribute all of this to the Atenolol or if it's from stopping the Florinef, but these are definitely new sensations in my life.

Atenolol Day 2

I started Atenolol yesterday. So far I haven't noticed anything negative (although I was feeling strange last night, but that was unrelated). In fact, today I was able to scale some serious stairs in some serious cold with no ill effects. I'll take that as a positive. I think I'll need a few more days to really formulate whether or not this is a step in the right direction.